Financial Definitions for the New Millenium


CEO- Chief Embezzlement Officer

CFO – Corporate Fraud Officer

BULL MARKET- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius

BEAR MARKET- a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.

STANDARD & POOR- Your life in a nut shell.

STOCK ANALYST- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

MARKET CORRECTION- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR- Past year investor who’s now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.

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